Frustrated wife with ADHD husband

[nrodgerscsr]

My husband and I are getting a divorce. We have been married for 12 years now. He has ADHD along w/ depressioin, anxiety, antisocial behavior. I have tried to get him help for many years. Nothing ever changed or helped. He didn't like the way the medication made him feel, or he didn't think he needed it. He went to counseling 2 times by himself before the counselor asked if I would join him do to the fact she could not make heads or tail out of what was really wrong. My husband was cruelly abused as a young person. Mostly by his father. He was diagnosed with ADHD and then was put on medication. His father would belittle him, ridicule him, beat him. There was lots of drinking in the family unit. His mother was beaten by his father. Needless to say, the family dynamics were horrible. Bottom line is he refuses to get help. He has been emotionally unavailable, nonintimate through our whole marriage. I have done everything I can do to change him. Now, I have finally left and he is just taking this as another rejection. He says "accept me for who I am." Then in the other breath, he says, "I know I'm screwed up. I know you need me to be a good husband. I know you need all these things from me. I want to but everytime I try nothing happens." That's what I get. I'm just wondering if this is all related to ADHD and his depression or is there other things going on here. I've heard using your disability to sabotage your marriage is not right. Someone please HELP!!!!

[driftwood2]

I'm so sorry to read this, (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))) honey.

Well, being adhd myself and my husband also, I think that what you need to take a look at is why you fell in love with him. Did you fall because he was so sweet and understanding, fun to be with?

That doesn't help with him persay, but perspective is needed. Step outside of yourself and take a look. Not with emotion, but with understanding of where you two came from and where you are now.

You didn't mention but is he taking any form of medication? If so, that might be coming into play. I don't know alot about depression, although somedays for me seem really tough. Has Bi-polar been questioned?

I don't necessarily think "change" is a good word, but HELP is better. As soon as guys here the word change, they run or tune you out from the getty up.
I have been married going on 10 yrs now, so I understand annoying habits and such.

Can you two have a civil discussion, or does he take offense when you suggest anything? I ask that because he may have a hard time expressing what he feels or have a hard time wording it.

When my husband and I have arguements, sometimes I read too far in to what he is saying, and I go through the roof, when all he was meaning was something totally basic, and vice vera.

I am hoping things look up for you soon.
Take care of yourself
Driftwood

[addspousesanon]

I think from my own research and first-hand experience with an ADD spouse your approach isn't necessarily better or worse than any other. Many adults with ADD view the world generally negatively and with your husband's other challenges he really needs help but it can only begin with him. The mood swings, impulsivity, and tendency to focus on one thing to the exclusion of all others is very typical and something very difficult to handle. Whatever your reasons for loving him in the beginning if you'd known the litany of problems you were about to face you might have chosen differently as marriage isn't a one-sided support program it's a partnership (unless you want to have co-dependent type of marriage). If you had known of an addiction or other serious problem prior to marriage you probably would have asked him to address it first or maybe not gone ahead as well. My wife and I are close to divorce, too, and I believe her disorder to be the primary problem. Her reaction is similar in that she doesn't want to deal with it or take any advice and we've spent over 30 hours with marriage counselors and much add'l. time with our pastor.