married to ADD

[dagny71]

Hello there. My husband has ADD. He's had it since he was a kid, and is currently taking concerta. It's very frustrating for me, expecially since it's hard for me to differentiate between what are legitimate symptoms of ADD, and what are issues that I can reasonablly expect him to change (things that are not really ADD related). He gets very defensive and hostile when I want to talk about it. Also, the doc who perscribes his concerta meets him once a month for about three minutes. Is this normal? Would he benefit from therapy of some sort? I'd love to talk to anyone in this situation.

[getittogether]

Yes, I am a female. I was defensive as well but therapy may benefit him as it has me. He has to be willing to work with you. Also, try to look at yourself to make sure your wording is not insulting him. Hope this helps.

[dagny71]

Thanks for replying. I've been spending some time on the internet doing research. It's helping some. Nothing like getting informed. The stuff that bothers him that i say are things that I say to try and help him see what he has to do in a day, how much time is left, and reminding him that what he's doing is maybe not helping him accomplish what he wanted. " We're supposed to be at your parents in two hours. I think you might have to leave for your haircut soon, so we can get there on time" - This while he's playing a video game. He perceives this as 'bossing' him. It's just that I know that with something like a video game, he can get captured and literally hours will pass before he notices. We are on average, an hour and a half late to everything. The other thing he closes down on is the origin of his diagnosis. He can't really remember who diagnosed him or taking a test or anything. I'd love for him to get reevaluated, but when I try to get specifics about his original diagnosis or getting tested now, he blows up, assuming that I don't believe ADD is real. Believe me, I know it's real, but no matter how much I assure him that what I'm going for isn't to disprove his ADD, he won't talk about moving further to deal with it. Ie, setting strategies to deal with symptoms, or better yet, seeing someone who will work with him on strategies. If it was a pro, instead of me, I feel that he might see it in a less confrontational way.

[mynameisdustin]

I have ADD and one notorious symptom of ADHD is short snaps and having a one tract mind. I am more than guilty at things such as snapping at friends, and also the forbidden sin of snapping at my mother. Therapy has been a great help within my personal relationships and my relationships with my mother.

In my humble opinion, your husband needs to suck it up and confront his underlying issues besides ADD floating through his head. ADD is a mental disability, but that does not lift his responsibility to his fellow neighbor and his responsibility in his relationship with you. It is not fair to you that when you are trying to help him out that he doesn't recognize what you are trying to do or communicate with you. If he would rather have something different, he needs to talk with you about it and recognize that you both should meet in the middle, disability or not. ADD is not dabilitating.

I would also submit that you have to be honest with him and be assertive about your feelings. A relationship is 2 ways and you need to tell him that it is important that you both need to talk about it and that his snappy responses hurt your feelings. And you may have to be forceful about it. I know I was like that for a time and still am about some things.

In short, come to an agreement. One way of doing this is writing down this agreement and signing it so that you both have no misunderstandings about it. If that doesn't work, then he should probably go to therapy. If that doesn't work and he refuses to listen to you, then I would suggest group therapy. And for fun, bring nerf bats. Because it sounds to me like he is being immature and needs to come to grips with his weaknesses and acknowledge that he is in the relationship too.

Note: I don't believe he is being a jerk purposefully, but I don't think that you should sacrifice your feelings in order to save his. You both need to find middle ground.

[metairee31]

Hi, I'm new to the site and to adult a.d.d. It used to be a joke in my house about his always forgetting things and his one tract mind as well as his emotional detachment. One week ago, he finally came to me and really believes he has a problem. He has had to deal with this since he was a kid. He does'nt remember much except that he has always had a short attention span and can never remember things he needed to do. I've seen this all through our marriage and have tried to compensate for it. Three years later and I just feel soooo exhausted. I know it was hard for him to admit this but the anger I feel because I am so tired is still there some. Is there anything I can do for this? I plan on getting the counseling with him so I know how to cope better. I am so happy that he has finally agreed. I love this man very much and want to see him feel better about himself. Has anyone else been there??

[addspousesanon]

I can recommend books by Dr.'s Hallowell and Ratey for a thorough understanding of the disorder (as they describe it), treatment steps, and characteristic behavior. When reading these books you may think they're describing your situation and it may either be like meeting an old friend or like re-living a nightmare. There are many, many things I've learned from them but probably the most significant thing I'm considering now is that ADD adults really can't help their behavior and can only hope to mitigate or manage the problems. However, I have a similar situation in that my spouse either refuses or is incapable of addressing the situation and she knows well that she has this problem. She's actually the one who originally recommended these books to me but yet has no interest in following through: she just really wants me to accept her as she is and embrace this behavior as acceptable or, better yet, not worth mentioning.

[dagny71]

Sadly I've got no real advice for you. But I wanted to drop in and say that you're not alone with your problem, and for what it's worth, I think you're right. My husband has been diagnosed and on medication for ADD for years (long before I met him). But that is as far as his responsibility for it seems to go. He seems to feel that the fact that our life is a chaotic, roiling, anger filled morass is something that I should just accept. "This is ADD, you're married to ADD, deal with it". While I understand that he's never going to be a paragon of organized self control due to ADD, I do believe that there are management strategies out there that he could avail himself to. I don't need the situation or him to be perfect, but I'd love something other than picking up his pills every month. He won't see a therapist, or ADD specialist. Or take any other responsibility for how the symptoms of ADD ruin every aspect of daily life. While I think it is my job as his wife to be supportive of his struggle with this condition, and to be understanding of the limitations involved, I DO NOT accept that I just have to live with how things are. That being said, I am utterly powerless. As with anything, HE is the one that the motivation needs to come from to get the help and direction he needs, and unfortunately, the nature of ADD, makes that all but impossible: self motivation and follow through are almost non existent in people with ADD. And that is exactally what is needed for him to seek out other avenues of management. I don't know about you, but my guy with ADD has such a volcanic and frightening temper, that is is not worth it at all to try to steer him in a direction that he is not willing to go in on his own. Good luck, but don't let your wife (?) convince you that it's your job to live under the conditions that result from unmanaged ADD. It's just not true.