Goals

[John38]

My wife is very frustrated with me. She says we don't work well together, I have no goals for our life and seems to be the only parent in a house with me and two little boys. I was diagnosed with ADD last year before the birth of our youngest son. She is tired of making all the decisions in our life. I want to participate but I have never really formed a goal in my life and I don't really know how to start. Any suggestions?

[Sarah]

Wow, this is a big topic and a hard one to address! I mean people write whole books about this. Here's my best shot....

I love goals...in fact without them ADD would rule my life instead of the other way around. Goals really help me succeed by focusing my ever wandering attention span. However, setting goals is a lot easier said than done. I think the easiest place to start is to think of goals on different levels. There are life goals, which are big ones that take a long time to acheive on one end of the scale and then on the other end of the scale there are day to day goals or "to do" lists, these are the small tasks. And of course there are goals that fall everywhere in between the two extremes.

Goals are most easy to acheive when you break them down into smaller steps. For example, A big goal for you could be to be a better parent. Then you break that goal down further.....Give kids more disapline, Spend quality time playing with kids, Help with childcare. From there your break each of those goals down again. In order to help with childcare, you could make dinner 3 times a week, drive kids to soccer once a week, clean up playroom 2 times per week, Go to grocery store every other week. Then, you need to make daily "to do" lists to make sure all of that gets done. On tuesday: Take kids to soccer, clean playroom, make dinner. Etc, Etc, Etc.

You should get a bunch of paper and go to town working out goals this way. If it helps, do it with your wife so you don't lose focus. Also, I've heard you can hire ADD coaches to help you do the same thing. At the very least buy a book or something. I'm definitely no expert. Hope this helps you get started though.

Sarah

[addspousesanon]

If you're serious about this then find a mentor and commit to doing as much as you can. My ADD wife is extremely inconsistent with goals, organization, and completing tasks as you may be and it makes life difficult for everyone around her. But if you're willing to focus on what you do well and allow someone else (your wife, therapist) to direct you towards what you know in your heart to best for your family and you as a husband then you may have some success. Your wife will probably be grateful for any progress and appreciate your tangible effort. I stress the commitment part and allowing someone else to direct you because it seems to be well-documented that adults with ADD really have a hard time doing this and often resent the implication that they can't do it themselves. Well, we all have weaknesses and just as we hire accountants, car mechanics, or watch golf lessons on TV you obviously are asking for help and you should not be afraid to get it and stick with it. Your wife and boys should enough motivation.