Frozen on self-directed big project

[bluestocking]

Hello! I stumbled on this forum looking for a place to solicit / lend advice to other adults wading through the same ADD issues as I am. Seems pretty quiet in here so far, but hopefully there will be someone who has some thoughts for me.

I was diagnosed with Adult ADD about 3 years ago. I don't take any meds, but have chosen to try making lifestyle and work choices that are conducive to my way instead. For the most part, it's been a smashing success. Until now.

I have agreed to write a large comprehensive manual to accompany a racing video game to be released this summer. It is an entirely self-directed project, and for the first time, I do not have any external organizers or someone in the role of coach. I work from home (or more accurately, procrastinate from home), and am just responsible for turning in the finished product when it is finished. I don't know anything about racing (and care even less), but I do have experience in instructional design and technical writing for non-technical audiences.

My sources are the ppl on the game's development team, and my contact with them is via email and IM. Additionally, I am located on the US West coast, and they are mostly in Western Europe. They are mostly really pushed on their own deadlines and don't have time to work with me, and the time difference is 8-9 hours, depending on where the team member is located.

I think I have bitten off more than I can chew, becoming overconfident b/c of the success I had at my job making ADD-informed choices. Further, I have allowed the obstacles to gathering my information freeze me in my tracks. It seems like I should be able to just find another way around them, but I am so hung up on The Way I had planned to approach this project that I don't know how to cope with alternate paths.

Thanks for reading all the way down here. :-) Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

[Becky]

I am so glad that you posted!!! ;D

Have you ever considered meds for short term use? I take Adderall as I need it. I am only medicated in the morning b/c that is when I have to get my work done. After that it is OK if I screw around b/c everything is done. I also only take them on weekdays, not weekends b/c I don't need them then.

Another thing that I would try is a break. I know you probably feel like you have been on one big break, but sometimes putting the whole project on hold for a few days, and not feeling guilty about it, makes all the difference. You can return refreshed and ready to make a new start.

One problem I have is with this silly computer. I could sit here for hours, and sometimes do. When I notice that happening then I actually make a schedule for myself, and reward myself for keeping on schedule. I know what my limits are, so if I am going to clean my house I write everything down, set a time it needs to be done by, and then add in a 15 or 20 minute break here and there to go online and check things out. Then I don't feel bad sitting here.

Just some thoughts...Good luck...Becky

[bluestocking]

Becky, thanks for the suggestions!

I used to take adderall, but I felt like my dr. was suspicious that I was drug-seeking. He asked me to keep a log of my work productivity before and after taking the meds, so he could use that as an impirical measure of whether or not they were improving my symptoms. HA! I found this task to be totally beyond me, and was horrified that I might be perceived as being intentionally dishonest. So I just stopped seeing him. Then at work, I shifted into a role where I could delegate 98% of the paperwork, so I found that I was able to get along without medication. These days, I am self-employed and don't have health insurance, so the cost involved seems prohibitive. On the other hand, the cost of screwing up this project would be much higher, so I have to weigh that.

After I posted this, dh agreed to help by trying out the role of coach for me. He's art director for the game, and I was afraid to encroach on any more of his time. Also, when I have asked him for information previously, he doesn't always get it to me expeditiously, which frustrates me. I seem to demand perfection from others that I can't ante up myself.

He agreed to add helping me organize for the day as part of his daily start-up routine, and helped me focus on a task that I can do starting immediately that isn't dependent on other team members.

I love the idea of the schedule. I do sit here for hours, and when I look up, 6 hours have elapsed and I can't for the life of me tell you what I've been doing. Other than avoiding what I am supposed to be doing. ;-) Since my guilt has set in on this hardcore, my house has begun to sparkle. I even got to the ceiling fans and have scrubbed the inside of the refrigerator.

I am so glad you started this message board, Becky, and I hope more folks start posting! This really could be a great resource.

Cheers!

[Becky]

I really do hope that more people start to post also. I never even thought that maybe the doc would think I was looking for "good drugs."

Last weekend some guy DH and I sort of know from seeing him around told me to take 10 Adderall, he said it works really well! I was astounded, that never even crossed my mind. The only thing I was really hoping for was the loss of appetite that most kids get. I guess people to abuse them so the docs have to be careful.

Good luck, I hope your new stragies work out for you!

Becky

[bluestocking]

I've had something of a reprieve. Flashback: One year in High School, we had a snowstorm, closing the schools the day I had my finals. For which I of course had not studied and was not prepared. I felt the glory of the reprieve and a wash of relief I can still connect to, lo these many years later. Which is alarming since I feel that same thing right now.

The money angle on the client's ability to pay me - even to commit to a contract in which my pay would be stipulated - has fallen apart. Their funding situation is tenuous at the moment, and apparently in the original business plan, there is no provision for paying someone to write the manual. It is understood that I am not working on this until reasonable payment terms can be reached. As it is, they want me to spend 3-4 months writing the manual, take no $$ up front, and they'll give me a generous cut of profits. As if! 1. I don't have confidence that the manual would be published, 2. Asking me to invest my time and effort in something I couldn't care less about for very very delayed gratification is ridiculous. And totally beyond me.

So for now, no one has the expectation that I am working on it. I am terrified that they will actually come up with the money, though, and I will have to cough up this manual. I thought it would be easier to do this kind of thing from home, and am finding out that quite the opposite is true. Going to work, there is at least a loosely organized externally imposed structure. When working on a subject I find disinteresting, this is a godsend.

Thinking this through, I think I am just going to find a way to back out of this project entirely. The compensation element has opened that door, and I think that to pursue it will be setting myself up for failure. I think I bit off more than I can chew. Weighing the sense of failure for backing out v. the sense of failure when I let everyone down (and take their money for doing it), I can live with the former better than the latter. I have to admit to feeling tremendously guilty though. And weak/undisciplined.

Anyone out there gone through something like this after they were diagnosed? I thought I had left this sort of thing behind me, but it seems I'm back where I was in 10th grade, praying a miracle will prevent my having to take final exams.

[Poet]

Hi Blue --

I can post now, I got the first part of my assignment done.

I don't think you are weak and/or undisciplined -- maybe just over-faced yourself, which is a feeling I am very familiar with. Beating yourself over the head with guilt is only paralyzing and self-destructive. I think challenging myself past the point of what I think I can do is good for me, but sometimes we tend to take on things that really are too much! And backing out gracefully is the best way to go -- much better than doing it poorly.

I'm new to this world, so that's just my humble 2 cents, but I know the frustration and stress you are putting yourself through now! I personally have prayed for my share of "snow days"...........

Good luck!

P

[Becky]

I loved snow days!! Just another excuse why I couldn't ge tto the library to either reserach a paper, or return the books!

Don't beat yourself up over this. I suppose I would probably be praying that they didn't come up with the $, but if they do just back out gracefully. You could always use the angle that you are uncomfortable b/c of the prior contract problems.

This is only one job. Not the end of the world so cut yourself some slack...Becky

[bluestocking]

Becky, you made me snicker just now.

"return library books" I don't think I have ever managed to return a library book on my own. I have, however, paid the maximum fine for them countless times. It is for this reason that I never, ever check out library books, or anything at the video store. In the long run, it's cheaper for me to buy them. Netflix is like mana from heaven!

When I was in school, I would just use the books in the library and return them to the stacks. I couldn't risk not getting my grades at the end of the quarter b/c of overdue library books.

More snow days, please! ;D

[Toyrolla]

Hi Bluestocking,

I can relate to you in regards to being overwhelmed with a major project. My "major project" involves redoing my apartment. As it stands, my apartment is so "not done", that for months I've literally been living in a place that's a combination of a construction zone and junkyard.

So....after calming myself down and giving some time to think when I went to bed, I have the following 4 major items on my plate through next weekend:

Girlfriend's B-Day
Apartment
Cleanup & Organizing
DJing party for my best friend

Girlfriends Birthday - Which I've made plans for a nice weekend at a bed & breakfast inn. I've made reservations for dinner tonight with friends and family, then we will drive to the inn tonight as a surprise. She knows nothing, except to pack a weekend bag.

I have a few stops to do today, so I've been up fairly early to get myself packed for the weekend. My laundry is drying now and I have dry cleaning to pick up while the dryer is going (which I'm off to do after this post).

I have 3 stops to make before I reach her. 2 are to pick up gifts and the 3rd is to pick up her cake.

Once that's done, I will meet her and continue the "birthday" agenda of dinner tonight, then I surprise her at the inn.

Dinner for us two alone will be tomorrow, then we're back Sunday.

Monday morning, I have a job interview. I'm confident that it will go well.

The rest of Monday will be to sand the walls, then cleanup before priming.

Tuesday will be allocated strictly to priming my apartment before painting. I will do the first coat, then a break during lunch to eat something and check emails and stuff; then I'm back on it for the second coat. Then I will finish off the day to do any cleanup.

Wednesday will be painting day all day. Same routine as the priming. First coat in the morning, break for lunch, second coat for the afternoon. Then I will do the trim & window sills (different color).

Thursday will be cleaning up, then I will organize my music for the party on Saturday. Friday I'll have everything packed up, plus pick up any additional music and/or materiels that I need and have that ready.

Saturday morning, I will borrow my brother's SUV to haul my equipment to be set up by 3:30-4pm. The party starts at 5 until WHENEVER. I will drop the equipment off at home, then return my brother's SUV.

Sunday, I will sleep late...Ahhhhhhhhh, then later that afternoon, I will join my girlfriend for dinner at her parents house. Then I head home afterwards.

In the morning, I will then have all day to organize my stuff in my newly painted apartment.

So, that's my schedule and I'm sticking to it. ;D

Anything else that pops up, I will add on my To-Do list for another time later. This way, the ball continues to roll.

A great thing about this forum is that now since I posted it, I will print this out just to make sure that I stay with my schedule. ;D

Wish me luck.....and feet don't fail me now....

[bluestocking]

Hi Toyrolla!

Wow, that was some amazing organized detailed to-do list you posted. How's the priming/painting coming along? Starting off with a written, referenceable list is always a good first step, I think.

To tell you the truth, though, I felt overwhelmed just looking at it. :-) Of course, I would rather lick tar off the road than spend my time painting (and priming? Hayyl no!), so perhaps it's the painting aversion rather than the long list that struck me.

Looking forward to hearing about whether you stuck to the list, and how you motivated yourself to do it if so. I believe today was an organizing day?

I could use a dose of motivation right about now, myself. I'm supposed to be packing up my apt and getting rid of our large furniture. For once I'd like to do it at a reasonable pace instead of a last-minute panic. So if the list fell by the wayside, I would be more than happy to commiserate. ;-)

Cheers!

[bluestocking]

Well wouldn't you know it, they're coughing up some cash. Just when I thought I was free!

It's slightly better than it was, though: I am being paid for writing the small reference manual that will ship with the game. Which should be much less work and way easier, as it requires 0% original research. I don't feel like I can back out of it entirely, though, b/c it's for my spouse's company. And I am apparently the only one associated with the project who has writing experience.

Further, I don't have to start writing until the 2nd week of April. I'm moving between now and then from WA to TX, and the offical line is I can't take on anything else until that is handled.

So check this out. How do I react to this? When discussing with DH my exact problem with the manual project, and all the obstacles to success on in (including ADD-related issues, but other legit obstacles, too), he calmly, patiently, intending to be supportive said, "I don't care how you spend your time, as long as it's spend productively." ARGH! I, using herculean strengh I didn't know I had, smiled, thanked him, and excused myself from the room. It's like he read every "she's has such great potential but just isn't living up to it" school/work review I have ever received and recycled it in a new context. I wanted to scarcastically, meanly, spit out that if I could figure out how to do that consistently then I wouldn't have taken 7 years to finish college, would have a clean house, would still have my career intact (lost momentum on a great thing when I was laid off), be totally fit, and would basically be a super-model PhD billionaire by now. GRRR.

But I didn't say any of those things (out loud ;-)) So perhaps I really am making progress, wrangling the impulsiveness symptom a bit better than I might have in the past. That's the silver lining to this, right?

[Studebaker]

This may seem a bit loopy, but have you tried using a huge sheet of paper to diagram everything you can figure out about this game program?

If you're trying to do it on a computer, forget that! You probably need an organizational method that keeps the whole thing in plain sight.

[bluestocking]

I actually just bought a huge whiteboard. I really do prefer seeing the whole picture graphically before I break into its component pieces. Thanks for the suggestion!

[mike54]

HELLO! Becky,
this is your wake-up.
Curious old owl is calling from tralee, Ireland.
Am at stage of elimination/confirmation and looking for
others to communicate with.
I am co-ordinator of local Support Group, TRADD.
Only admitted recently that i have classic indicators.
It is exciting and challanging over here as a country we are only starting to get organised. we are at baby stage
of facing up to ADD/ADHD. I could rap on but this is not
the time. when i get more time i will send you all the news. one thing all your members could do is send as many emails as possible to me at the email address i
gave at registration.
see you, Becky.
Curious old owl.

"Today is a new day with new Possibilities".

[Mongo]

Hello Blue, and the rest too!

Organization is my downfall. Has been as long as I could remember. It's a real hassle at work as the boss is constantly bugging me about the clutter. I know it looks bad but hey, it's how I am. I call it "Organized Chaos". It looks like a hurricane hit but I know where everything is.

I wish there was a way to get it together but so far, nothing has done much good. My boss says to write lists. I would have hundreds of lists scattered about if I did that, and none would be completed because I would lose them along the way.

Bosses can be so demanding and unreasonable.